i love him. he's a rock.

i am emotionally exhausted.

medicine is such a #*%$#!*$^*#   *^%$#@*&^*%$

i find myself so angry at times but also at the verge of sad tears.  i honestly feel helpless.

ulcerative colitis. prednisone. disease. sickness. drugs. steroids. hospital have become terms in my everyday vocabulary that i am having a very hard time adjusting too.

i lay awake at night praying to God to help.. but ... end up asking him why.  why "Charleston"?

i should be happy now.  excited that i am engaged to the man of my dreams but instead we find ourselves crying because of the unknown.

"Charleston" is turning out to be the 1% of ulcerative colitis patients that do not respond to medication.

if you missed us on new years, it was because we were spending the week in the hospital.

he got poked and prodded at. tested and medicated.  but still....nothing helped.

i bite my lip and hold back tears when the doc delivers the same depressing news because i can't fall apart.  he has been SO strong through this entire thing that i have to take his motivation and run with it. he is my motivation.  he is has proved to be the strongest and most mature man i know.  i am lucky to have him by my side for life. 

i tell him everyday that we are a team and we are in this together.  i hope he listens.  he is not alone. we are blain and matt forever. i am here.

what's up next?
we are not really sure.

his docs have suggested getting second opinions on colectomys and speaking with other docs about the side effects of strong strong drugs that inevitably just delay a colectomy.  but with stronger drugs come stronger more sever side effects. which way do you go?

everything happens for a reason and a good friend told me once that God doesn't give us more then we can handle.  it runs through my head all day.

i am having a hard time accepting this situation and coming to the reality of it and i am not even the one physically carrying this disease.  how the hell does "Charleston" feel?  i can't even begin to put a finger on it. hes a rock. he impresses me more and more each day.  hes determined.

God give me the strength to be everything he needs in a caregiver, a teammate, a supporter, a fiance and a best friend.  for him.

he will get through this. prayers.

"Charleston" and I on the porch of Granddaddy and Shelbies house in Galax, VA over Christmas.

that's Pilot Mountain in the background