How Not To Act Old

A couple weeks ago one of my co-workers came up to my desk. He stood there for a minute, told me to pick up my cell phone and start to send a text to any one of my friends. I had no clue where he was going with this but I did what he said and started a text to Blair. I had gotten no further into typing “hey sister” when my co-worker told me to stop, and to himself he said, “Crap, I am old!”

Come to find out he had just finished a book his daughter had made him read called “How Not to Act Old.” He said he didn’t believe majority of the stuff he read in the book was true but wanted to find out for himself on several of the theories. Well #54 on the list was “Learn To Text With Your Thumbs.” It says that classic old people behavior is to dial and text with your index finger! I had proved this theory correct. I started texting to Blair with only my thumbs – which I think is the ONLY way to text! It would take you light years to “hunt and peck” with your index finger!

Anyways, today he brought me the book and wanted my opinion on several more. He left the book with me in case I wanted to look through it for a good laugh, and a good laugh I got! Let me share with you several other topics the book points out on How Not to Act Old… (This book is written by a late 40ish year old woman)

#21 Don’t Smoke Pot
It’s not the smoking of marijuana that’s the problem, exactly. In fact, if you know where to get some, can you please let me know? No, the problem is calling it “pot.” Pot is what old hippies called it. What we called it when we used to smoke it every day. Nowadays, it’s called “weed.”

#4 Don’t Fear the Waxer
Listen, you can have all the work in the world done. You can get Botoxed and Restalyned till you’re smooth as a balloon; you can have your boobs lifted to your chin and your tummy tucked into your backbone.
But if you don’t wax down there, anybody who gets close enough – and that includes the entire locker room at the gym – is going to know you’re old.
Waxing is one of the major differences between young and older women. We came of age feeling it was sacrilegious to so much as pluck one hair; they decided to shear most of it off. And when we thought maybe we’d surprise our husbands for our twentieth anniversary, we were nervous. We saw The 40-Year-Old-Virgin, after all. We knew it was going to hurt, plus be embarrassing, plus who knew what kind of diseases we might pick up.
If you are a Waxing Virgin, don’t be afraid. It’s not that bad. And the alternative is even worse: old below the belt.

#55 Don’t Drink Cosmopolitans
I know they’re delicious. I know they’re fun. I know the “girls” in the Sex And The City movie tried their darnedest to help revive the Cosmo trend they launched when they were in their thirties.
Martinis may be back. Sidecars and Negronis may be back. The friggin’ Pegu Cocktail may even be back.
But Cosmos have become the official cocktail of menopausal women. If you’re a huge fan of the Cosmo, you can youngify it somewhat by turning it into a frozen drink: fresh-squeezed lime, a splash of cranberry juice, a little simple syrup, lots of vodka, and ice in a blender. Mmmmm
Or you could always knock back a Red Bull and Vodka. Or order a so-old-its-young-again drink like a Manhattan or a Mint Julep. Or try one of these lethal-sounding young cocktail recipes:

Kamikaze
Mix 2oz. vodka, 1 oz. triple sec, and 1oz. fresh lime juice. Shake all ingredients with ice and pour into old-fashioned glass with ice cubes

Amaretto Sour
Mix 2oz. Amaretto, 1 oz. simple syrup, and 1 oz. fresh lemon juice. Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a sugar-rimmed glass

Irish Car Bomb
Fill a shot glass with half Bailey’s Irish Cream (this goes on the bottom) and half Jameson Irish Whiskey. Pour a bottle of Guinness into a pint glass or beer mug until its three-quarters full. Once the Guinness settles, drop the entire short glass into the beer and chug. If you don’t drink it fast enough, it will curdle and taste worse the longer you take to drink it.